Mother's Day

I couldn't sleep last night. Well, to be honest with you, I did sleep. I fell asleep between 8:50 P.M. and 9:10 P.M. and woke up around 11:30 P.M. After that I couldn't go back to sleep.
I read most of the night. I finished The Reformed Vampire Support Group by Cathrine Jinks and I started Bliss by Lauren Myracle. I stayed in my room until my ungrateful brother went to bed around 4 A.M. and went into the living room. I got bored sitting in there, so I read outside.
About 6:30 A.M. my mom walked outside for a smoke. I told her "Happy Mother's Day" and tried to have a conversation with her, but it wasn't much of a conversation. I think was ignoring me, but I don't know. It could've been because she was tired.
After she went inside, I walked in about five minutes later. She wasn't in the living room, so I thought she went to take a shower in ther bathroom downstairs because she does that on holidays. Normally waits until about 10.
I had to pee, so I went to the bathroom. When I got out of the bathroom, the house was unusually quiet. I went downstairs and found Mom back in bed. I don't know why, but it angered me. Is it bad that I wanted to sit with my mom in the living room and read?
When I left her room, I fought back tears and the urge to want to strangle her. I was angry, depressed, and alone once again. My brother and sister were fast asleep as well.

How can someone feel so alone with a house full of people?

Wow... It's Been Awhile

I kinda miss writing in here.

It's whatever though.

So, school is taking up way more of my time than I wanted it to or even thought it would.

Teh [yes teh, not the] boyfriend is taking up a bunch of my time as well.

Things are settling down now though... finally.

I'll be hanging out with a new friend of mine pretty soon... maybe like Thursday.

Well, he's not a new friend, but I consider him new because we can finally hang out with just the two of us.

No more boyfriend around lol

Teh boyfriend is getting his license pulled on the 12th until he turns 19.

That sucks ass because he'll be getting a job, and then I'll be getting a job, then we won't have any time to even talk on the phone.

Can't wait until I get a cell phone.

I'm gonna be a text-aholic.

I promised myself I wouldn't be, but there's nothing else to do when you don't get online anymore and you won't be in school.

Whatev.

That's life I guess.

Plain And Simple

What I said is probably not what you heard.
What I've said about you is that you're being immature about the whole situation.
I understand your anger, but did that really give you a reason or the right to turn your back on me?
Fuck no.
It did not.
Brookesany agreed with me.
That's all I've ever said.

Until I heard what you said about me.
You told Hunter you were going to "come to my house to beat my ass" and all I had to say about it was bring it.
Brookesany told me she told you.
But you never did.
So you know what I said after that?
I plain and simply call you a
Coward.

That's all.
So whatever you heard that wasn't this more than likely was a lie.
I know what I said.
It's a crying shame that you heard other shit that wasn't even true.
Believe what you want, though.
I've lost interest in this and you.

It's Too Late To Turn Back The Clock

I've become lost in my thoughts lately.
I know what I want to say, but when I say it, nothing comes out the way it should.
I'm tired of fighting.
I'm tired of pretending I don't care anymore.
She was my best friend; the only person I could ever really explain myself to that would understand my thought process even if it didn't make sense to ME.
Is it wrong to say I know I'm right, but I still miss her?
I care that I lost a friend, but I care even more that she was my BEST friend.
It's too late now, though.
Everything is too hectic, and there's no time to make anything right.
It's over, even though it shouldn't be.

I'll try to live my life, as long as you live yours to the fullest.



They say friends are forever,
But no one really knows that friends can fall apart,
Especially at the worst moment in time,
The time you need them the most.

Things Left Unsaid - Stephanie Hemphill

What you don't know

is that like most renewable

resources I can be translucent

one day and broken-down

the next, sharp and then dull.

I replenish myself, shed my skin

like the rattlesnake, learn to use

new limbs like the starfish,

devour insects and enemies

like the black widow. What you

don't know is that although

my eyes appear to stare blankly

forward, words boil inside my head.

What you don't know

are the things I left unsaid.

Fer Sure Maybe; Fer Sure Not

They say showing your true side to your significant other will drive them off. I have to disagree with this. I'm a normal girl that dresses differently than others. My hair never does what I want it to, and my clothes don't always match. I still fan-girl over boy bands, I scream when I get angry, cry when I'm sad. I'm ticklish on my feet, my sides, and parts of my legs. I have good days and bad days, and I don't care 100% how I look. I can get jealous when another girl talks to my boyfriend or even looks at him with googley eyes. I don't have a set body temperature; I have hot flashes all the time, and sometimes I'm freezing cold.

I don't watch chick flicks because they make me cry, and sometimes when I watch horror flicks I get so drawn into them that they scare me or give me nightmares. I stay up at night past my bedtime to make a wish at 11:11, but sometimes I don't make it. I get angry with my parents when they tell me "No, you can't have that," or "No, you can't go over to his house today." I get upset when my boyfriend isn't always honest [or at least when I don't think he's being honest] or when he doesn't explain himself very well. I hold grudges for a long time, and it hurts me in the long run.

Yet my boyfriend hasn't turned on me. He's always there for me. We may fight all the time, but it's because if we're not fighting, there's nothing to talk about, and that's mundane to me. I have goals in my life; I want to get a job to pay for my car payments, an apartment, food, gas for my car, and still have money left over to blow here and there with my boyfriend or with friends. He's still by my side. No matter what happenes, I can trust him to be there for me.Why couldn't anyone else be like that?

They say showing your true side to your significant other will drive them off. I have to disagree with this. I'm a normal girl that dresses differently than others. My hair never does what I want it to, and my clothes don't always match. I still fan-girl over boy bands, I scream when I get angry, cry when I'm sad. I'm ticklish on my feet, my sides, and parts of my legs. I have good days and bad days, and I don't care 100% how I look. I can get jealous when another girl talks to my boyfriend or even looks at him with googley eyes. I don't have a set body temperature; I have hot flashes all the time, and sometimes I'm freezing cold.

I don't watch chick flicks because they make me cry, and sometimes when I watch horror flicks I get so drawn into them that they scare me or give me nightmares. I stay up at night past my bedtime to make a wish at 11:11, but sometimes I don't make it. I get angry with my parents when they tell me "No, you can't have that," or "No, you can't go over to his house today." I get upset when my boyfriend isn't always honest [or at least when I don't think he's being honest] or when he doesn't explain himself very well. I hold grudges for a long time, and it hurts me in the long run.

Yet my boyfriend hasn't turned on me. He's always there for me. We may fight all the time, but it's because if we're not fighting, there's nothing to talk about, and that's mundane to me. I have goals in my life; I want to get a job to pay for my car payments, an apartment, food, gas for my car, and still have money left over to blow here and there with my boyfriend or with friends. He's still by my side. No matter what happenes, I can trust him to be there for me.Why couldn't anyone else be like that?

When It Rains, Go To The Only Person That Makes The Sun Come Out Again

Friendships are the hardest things people can deal with.

You try to make things right with yourself and the person simultaneously.

Try to match up, equal out.

People voice their opinions all the time; she listens; she communicates; never puts anyone down.

She never speaks out of turn; never throws in her problems to overpower the other person with her problems.

But on this one day, today, she wanted to speak about a problem; no one listened.

Why can't anyone listen to the advice-giver for once?

She needs advice sometimes, too, you know.

The time is now for this girl to give up hope that friends really are forever.

The only "forever" is that she will forever and always be herself; never giving up; forever searching for answers she cannot give to others.

If friends are hypocritical and won't listen to her, then she'll turn her back; she'll quit caring about them, for all they're doing is using her to make their lives better; or so it seems.

Not anymore.

Not this time.

They will not hurt her anymore.

They can't hurt her anymore; she built walls.

They will not see her agony, fail, or cry.

Her head is high, and she lives on.

He makes her life happier than those "friends" ever could, ever would.

He knows her, cares for her, charishes her.

As he does for her, she does for him.

She needs him, not her "friends."

He needs her.

The boy and girl will last.

They'll see; they'll regret their doubt.

Just wait and see.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

There's a time to say hello, and a time to say good-bye.
Right now, she doesn't know what to say.
They go on like nothing ever happened, though they know something did.
They lied; they cried; they died a little on the inside.
Nothing hurts worse than when things are thrown around that aren't true.
Someday things will be the way they should've been.
As for right now, I doubt they'll make it.
For all they seem to do is pretend that nothing is bothering them.
But for once in his life, why can't he be a man?

Temptation has its perks.
We all know that.
For him, it's more than perks.
It's fantasy becoming reality.
There are times when you should confront your fears, and times when you can just let things slide.
That girl won't let anything slide; not anymore.
He'll hear what she has to say; he'll get a piece of her mind.
Nothing is going to slow her down.
Nothing can bring that girl to her knees in failure.
Nothing.

The Pain Is Unbareable.

These next few days will go like molasses.
Broken dreams are constent in these times.
I feel unsure about most things.
But I know that I still hate hospitals.
And IVs.
I have bruises, and all day pain.
I need a shower, but I can't stand very long, so I'm scared to take one.
My washer is being stupid, so I can't do laundry right now.
Headaches, and clusterfucked.
That's how this week has been.
Can't take any medicine except Amoxicillin and Tylenol Three with Codeine.
Plus, it's that time of the month.
Can this week get any worse?
...
...
When stuff like this happens, they always do.

I Know I Said I Wouldn't Do This, But Fuck It..

I'm stuck with these mixed feelings, and I feel like I'm staying for that one specific reason.
Only one knows why... other than the one it happened too.
I'm stuck between a few.
There's the current boyfriend.
Then the bassist.
The hyperspastic freshman.
And the current boyfriend's friend who has a girlfriend [either way, he's out of the picture due to morals].

I love my boyfriend, but he's an ify person.
The bassist is more than likely too old, and NOT interested, just friendly.
The hyperspastic freshman, I was told, was off limits because he's like her little brother.

I'm not sure which I'd prefer.

Then again, I'm not sure if I want to start over.



Time will unfold.
Mistakes will be made.
Actions will take place, some that probably shouldn't have.
Hurt, drama, possibly tears.

I don't want anyone hurt, myself especially.
Not to be selfish or anything.
I'm tired of the pain, but I don't want to inflict any on anyone.

This won't make everything easier or anything, it'll just make me start to think straight, or at least try to think straight.

I Feel Like Being Emo Right Now...

Fuck my life.

Fuck school.

Fuck my friends.

Fuck my family.

Fuck the grading system.

Fuck my current grades.

Fuck my boyfriend.

Fuck his friends.

Ughhh...

There's more, but I don't remember.

I want him..

I won't name drop, but I want to so bad.

Others know him.

If you don't, you will soon.

In The End, Harshness Conquers All

Hidden behind the facts, there are people who don't know what to do or say.
Life behind the scenes isn't always what you see.
There are people who can balance that out.
For me, I can't hide my true self from many people.
Look in my eyes and tell me you know the truth and I'll try my hardest to say you're wrong.
They say things happen for a reason, but why must the bad stuff hurt so much?
Why can't all of that just run away after it happens?
You know, like die away and never be talked about ever again.
We're just not that lucky, are we?


I won't buy in to the lies, I'll just see if you can make them stop.
I highly doubt that though.
I may have been born a blonde, but it doesn't mean I act that way.
I'm pretty effing smart in my opinion.


Grow some balls for once in your life and say it.
You don't care anymore, so you're not even going to try to make it better.
Once you say that, I can let go and not have to hold on to the memories that I have with you.
That will just be one less pain in my life.


I don't think I care anymore.
I found someone better anyways.
He may not remember me, but damn it, I remember him well.
Soon, the end will be here.
There will be one variable out of the equation, and one put in.
Substitution can be a wonderful thing at times.
Maybe this one will be for the better.


I wanna scream, but I can't get the words to come up.
When she lets me spill my guts, that's when everything about you pours out.
I scream, punch my steering wheel, cry my eyes out.
You're everything I thought I wanted, but you're nowhere near it.
You lie.
You deceit.
You're a cheater.
You breathe in order to hurt everyone around you.
I'm just the idiot that fell for your charm.
Now I'm stuck in a world where everything is what YOU make it.
I can't even get a say in anything, and when I do I'm considered "controlling."
[I'm going to steal a friend's line right here, because it suits the situation:]
Fuck my life!

Commend Me To Thy Lord

Skeletor was looking good on Friday. He looked at me [YAY], but more than likely due to the bright colors haha! I don't know, but I liked it nonetheless =]


I can't keep feeling like this.
I feel like I'm going to scream.
You're everywhere; I see you all the time, even though most of the time you're not really there.
I'm not your first choice, and I'm not afraid to admit that I know this.
I'm just afraid I'm NEVER going to be a choice.
We go to the same places, have the same hang out spots, and talk to the same people pretty much, but still you don't notice me the way I notice you.
You're everything I want, yet nothing I can have.
I want you.
I want you so bad, but you don't care; either that or you don't notice.
Just say you notice me, know who I am.
You don't even have to like me.
Just say you notice me.
Say it one time.
That's all I'm asking.
Please...

For some reason, I'd rather be in another state and another life right now.
Nothing is going as I want it to.
Maybe God really IS real, and he's torturing me.
But I doubt that's what it is.

They say, "Life is what you make it," but I don't think that's really what it is.
If that were to be true, wouldn't we all be famous, or doctors, or something like that?
Life isn't what YOU make it; you're life is dictated by what people you don't know think should happen to you.
I mean, if you think about it, getting a job is dictated by someone you don't know thinking you can do the job or not.
School is based on your teacher thinking you understand the material or not.

It's not fair.
I mean, why can't we decide on what our lives turn out to be like?
I can't stand it.

Maybe someone else out there knows; I know for a fact that I don't know.

Someday, Somehow

Someday this will be easier on me. Not the blogging thing, but the dating thing.


Skinny jeans and a new hair cut.
Gorgeous.
Maybe a new hair color??
Maybe, just maybe.
But probably not yet.


Somehow this will get easier for me. Not blogging, but telling the truth.


Hot.
School.
City.


Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
But, is that true all the time??
Are we really better off not knowing the truth about most things, or do people just say that so others will stop asking so many questions and use their own minds and imaginations??
No one knows for sure.
Maybe it's best that way.













Maybe, just maybe.